NFP Search and Rescue: A Mountain Analogy

The reception of Natural Family Planning by the Catholic faithful is important to consider as it ought to influence the pastoral accompaniment of married couples. As we look into the unchanging moral principles at work and examine what pastoral outreach happens in these areas, I would like to propose a helpful analogy: we will call it NFP Mountain. The summit of this mountain represents the beautiful and unchanging truths championed by the Catholic Church regarding the human person, authentic love, human sexuality, and procreation. The climb is none other than the real-world path (lived reality) of couples attempting to reach the full embodiment of this teaching on human sexuality. The efforts to invite people to climb to the summit and to support them along the way would be the pastoral accompaniment offered by the Catholic Church.

NFP Mountain is renowned for its beautiful views from its summit. Past NFP Summiteers highly recommend that everyone climb this mountain as a one-of-a-kind experience. They felt so much more connection to nature and the beauty of the world around them from their time on the mountain, particularly at the scenic summit that allows one to see for miles around.

However, after thousands of people (couples) have been encouraged and cheered to climb the mountain, not as many have reached the summit as we would have expected, and there is a realization that maybe we should have mentioned some advice like:

1.       Bad storms come almost every afternoon in the form of graupel (something between snow and hail that is common this alpine landscape).

2.       There are some sudden cliffs and areas that see occasional rockslides.

3.       While many people have been climbing this mountain, there is no marked path, much of it is boulderous and rocky, so it’s hard to know if you are going the right way.

4.       Proper equipment and assistance from experienced climbers can make all the difference.

5.       Without a guide, the climb is treacherous and difficult.

It’s not that the view from the top isn’t spectacular, or that the experience doesn’t change your life, but you have to come well-prepared and have the necessary support to succeed. If we give an honest assessment of the pitches given to married couples about Natural Family Planning, we see that very frequently, we try to paint an image that NFP is just as effective (or more effective) than birth control. Rather than selling NFP for what it is, sometimes the sales pitch is that NFP is superior pregnancy avoiding technology. At times, it feels presented as nearly effortless, better at limiting births, free, and totally natural. Why not use NFP?  NFP shouldn’t be celebrated as just as easy or more effective than contraception even when it is more effective than prominent means of artificial birth control. This line of argument is simply is not a compelling reason to use NFP. Rather, NFP, should be celebrated as being authentically human and worthy of human love while still being able to effectively assist couples in naturally regulating fertility.

Now back to the analogy, I sense that we have couples scattered all over the mountain. They are somewhere on the mountain wanting to try to live out the Church’s teaching but finding it hard, burdensome, or feeling that it is downright dehumanizing. Many of these couples weren’t told that to reach the summit, one must strip away lust and a tendency towards a “use”-mentality regarding sexuality that has plagued humanity since the time of Adam and Eve. To summit, there is a non-negotiable need for self-mastery. Indeed, until this selfishness is stripped away, temporary abstinence and just about everything relating to NFP will feel like a loss and a joy-killer (even a marriage killer). The bad storms as we climb might take the form of cycles that are hard to predict, charting done poorly, or difficulty communicating about fertility and human sexuality. The occasional cliff might be that we sometimes seem to say that NFP makes sex somehow automatically holy, but if the “green days” lead to automatic sex that isn’t freely entered into, then that isn’t love, that is use. It is not that our pastoral efforts to highlight the positives are wrong and we definitely need to instruct people in how to observe, chart, and make prudent decisions based on their shared fertility as husband and wife, but there is a massive gap in expectation vs. reality. When there is a big gap between reality and expectations, that leads to disappointment and disillusionment. These feelings seem very common amongst the young generation seeking to live out the Church’s teachings on marriage, but I don’t believe these lived realities have elicited much change in pastoral course for the Church.

I see the vast majority of effort on NFP instruction spent in two ways. First, we try to encourage people to “do NFP” (go climb the mountain) and the strategy most employed is to make NFP seem as enticing as possible. A couple walks through a field of sunflowers joyfully dancing because they are so happy to be doing NFP. There is a lovely couple who shares about the “honeymoon effect” of waiting for 7 days (maybe 10 absolute tops) and “Oh-What-Joy” to be able to come back together as husband and wife after this time of waiting. We also talk about how extremely effective NFP is at avoiding pregnancy (even better than contraception), and that couples who use NFP have sex just as often as couples who use contraception. Couples who use NFP almost never divorce and they communicate far better. Overall, we focus on saying, “Just climb the mountain, you will love it” without much consideration if the couples have the practical support they need to reach the summit.

The second area that receives significant pastoral attention is NFP instruction focused on the “rules” of the NFP method. Couples are taught to observe biomarkers and chart them and then apply the rules to achieve or post-pone pregnancy. This work is a necessary and important aspect of the Church’s pastoral accompaniment of couples and I applaud involved in efforts to teach and form couples in the various methods of NFP. Yet, if we are honest, there is a gap in our pastoral accompaniment because there is a big distinction between NFP instruction in a method prior to marriage vs. grasping WHY NFP is different entirely from contraception and even more vs. the pastoral accompaniment that needs to continue throughout marriage to help couples succeed.

Let’s be real. Do we assume those getting married and the technology available hasn’t changed? Are the structures we use to teach NFP largely unchanged from 20, 30, or even 40 years ago? What are the needs today? In preparing couples for marriage, I find a much broader willingness amongst the engaged to give NFP a try than many would think to be the case. However, many of the couples out on Mount NFP are growing a bit frustrated that there isn’t more signage or support along the way. Young people are not afraid of hard, but they hate a hoax. Let’s not make NFP a hoax. The lived reality can be a bit bewildering when so many of our peers are having “surprise NFP pregnancies,” when post-partum charting is such a difficult task, and when newer tech is available that is not free, but very helpful for charting. Also, the abstaining for 7 days a month seems like false advertising. If you abstain for 7 days per month, you are looking to be parents of a nice large Catholic family. Also, some people for medical or other reasons have to abstain for months at a time for reasons that may or may not be related to NFP. When do we ever mention this? Don’t be afraid to say the hard! Afterall, wouldn’t most people prefer to climb a mountain that is at least somewhat challenging? We don’t climb mountains because it is easy, we climb mountains because they stretch us beyond our comfort zones, they help us grow stronger and most of all we learn something about ourselves, about life, and about the beauty that makes life worth living. Why not pitch NFP for what it is? In a real sales pitch, we have to admit that the hardest part of NFP isn’t abstaining (as hard as that can be). The hardest part of NFP is becoming holy!

St. John Paul II said that the Church’s way of ministering and teaching in this area will be proved authentic only by making “tenacious and courageous effort” (Familiaris Consortio, 33) to foster all the human conditions necessary to live out the Church’s teachings regarding these moral values and norms. As a Church we have urged people to climb the mountain, but realistically, has there been tenacious and courageous effort to support these couples once married? It seems exceedingly rare that a parish or diocese has any dedicated effort to help married couples live out NFP once they are married. If we really expect couples to be using NFP, then this ought to be really, really common, rather than an unheard-of proposition. Too often, NFP instruction is treated as a “requirement” needed during marriage preparation. While it is necessary to receive instruction in knowing and following an NFP method prior to marriage, a well-reasoned effort to help couples summit Mount NFP will succeed in three areas: Couples will know why they are climbing the mountain, be prepared for what the climb entails and have the tools for the journey, and they will be accompanied, and sought out as they climb (and maybe get lost) along the way. Now let’s go climb!

Author’s note: I have found Simcha Fischer’s fantastic book A Sinner’s Guide to NFP to be one of the best resources in this area. She provides a realistic and helpful take on NFP that sees it as beautiful, but also is ready to talk about the hard (the really hard) of NFP. Highly recommend! I also find some hope when I see NFP instructors who provide ongoing coaching and support at no additional charge beyond the initial instruction in the method. Yet, there is a need for more wholistic effort, collaboration and human formation, so begging that more couples, parents, pastors, parishes and dioceses look to share real resources and support on NFP that doesn’t sugar coat the journey to conjugal holiness! If you know of good resources for supporting couples in living out NFP who are already married, please share them, I would be delighted to find that my experiences are not necessarily the norm everywhere.